beginnings and ends

as of lately, I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness. this loneliness is a build up from reflecting on the past. all that has changed, from years ago to only a few short months. a build up from thinking of what the future may or may not hold. which direction I myself can go towards. the directions that others may go, without me. and as sad as this may sound, and may sometimes feel, I relish in the sadness. because as my dearest friend emily once quoted one of the most wonderful men in my life, steve witters, "who ever said that being sad was a bad thing?" because being sad reminds us of the beauty of everything we have been through. all that we have felt. all that we have learned and taken from living our life that somehow has now manifested into our current lives and how we now choose to live it, love it, and love others that are in it. I mean, that's the whole point isn't it? the process of growth. that's what we're here for. the ever ongoing debate of nothing mattering at all versus every little thing mattering to an overwhelming extent. for all of us. the big. the small. the chain reaction, of one small decision that each individual makes. that all consuming sense of mattering - reminding us that we really are alive and living and deciding and doing and failing and succeeding and just, being.

as heavy as this feeling can weigh on someones head and heart, I try and appreciate the fact that I am sometimes taken back and reminded to put some thought towards these pieces of sentimental nostalgia and curiosity, and in some ways - fear. fear of losing a piece of life that I cherished near and dear to my heart. fear, of what may come out of the future...

some of the things that have impacted my latest reflections -

a. people: the old and new that have come into my life, stepped back from it, changed throughout it, have made it easier, that have made it harder. the center of all feelings both good and bad.

b. places: nostalgia on revisiting the town I have grown up. my new home at my mommas that I don't get to visit and appreciate as much as I would like to. my home with my friends that was a safe haven when I needed one. my college town that brought me everything I never knew I needed. random cities that have allowed me to create memories I will always look back on and want to relive. secluded spots that have impacted my life in big and small ways, that sometimes only I, will know to think back on.

c. movies: old movies that were important at a certain time in your life can take you right back to an exact feeling you once felt....for that I will always be grateful and crave to revisit from time to time because sometimes, not everything needs to change.

d. music: there are no words for how affective and impactful music can be on the soul. currently I am stuck on a handful of songs. there's the feel good songs that I can never remember the names to, but always find myself feeling myself too. others, that I love but have somehow forgotten about but will always love as soon as they come on. and the ones I am currently stuck on consisting of -

1. What A Time, Julia Michaels

2. Chasin' You, Morgan Wallen

3. Till The Sun Comes Up, Gavin James

4. No Right To Love You, Rhys Lewis

5. Favuorite Ex, Maisie Peters

6. Undrunk, FLETCHER

for whatever reason, these songs have been an oasis for me to feel...raw, and, honest. with myself.

e. the changing of the season: an end is coming and a beginning is coming. transitions of the seasons have always been, and will always be, my favorite time of the year. because endings and beginnings hold the potential to be so, so h a p p y. a mentality I have always craved in every sense.

f. the future: there are so many exciting things I have to look forward to and appreciate in this little life that I am so lucky to live. even through the hardships, I always come out stronger and more appreciative than ever to just be me. which I owe a great deal to the people who have loved me so good - and to those who have hurt me (or hurt others).

g. change: I have changed so much in such a short time. even though some would say it was long overdue..I never would have seen myself in the place I am now if you would have asked me even less then a year ago. but here I am. and with all the good comes bad, and all the bad comes good. now, after all the highs and lows, I'm trying to find my true self by piecing out the parts of myself I want to keep from the "old" and "new" me.

h. I'm sure I could fill out the entire alphabet and then start counting until I'm blue in the face but I'm going to stop before I get anymore in my head then I already have.

PS. sometimes you have to stop, look in the mirror, and ask yourself, "who ever said that being sad was a bad thing?" and take your time to relish in it.