homebody with no home

you know it’s cancer season when I start becoming emotion - more than usual that is. but here we are, approaching another year of life, my second decade at that, with an overload of emotion that probably not too many of you actually care about. 

yet, since I myself do care i'd like to take the time to say something. ok, maybe a few things.

reflecting back on this past year...

oh boy, I honestly don’t have the words. 

or at least, I don’t have the right words, to explain exactly what I have been through and what I have felt. who I have become. how I have changed. how the things that are important to me, have changed. how the people who are important to me, and the people who used to be important to me, have changed along with me. 

but that’s life, right? at least, that’s what they say..and so far, “they” have been right. and I have come to the realization that that is alright. because change is matter of fact and simply, necessary.

however, somethings never do change. sometimes those things can be certain feelings that you carry with and for yourself. for myself, one of these feelings is the idea or self identify that I have created and become attached to. someone or something I have always (at least for the past ten years of my life) considered myself as, a homebody with no home. 

[ a homebody with no home: someone who is always searching..seeking..to feel like they belong. like there is a place that they are meant to be. that has their name written to it. that was meant for them. that no matter what, is there whenever they need it to be. a home, that they will always have waiting for them to return to. that will wait for them, to come back no matter how long it takes.. ]

and as sad as this may sound, and once may have made me feel, it now holds a new meaning for this ever-changing version of myself. because even though at times I may feel like I have no home - no place, no person, no feeling to call my very own to return to, it also serves as a reminder to really, truly consider all the people who do allow me to feel like I’m at home even if it’s just for a split second. the places that I want to return to. the moments I wish I could relive again. the traditions I never want to give up.

and now, to go along with these reminders, this self created identity sparks the feeling of freedom in me to remember that I belong to no one, to nothing, to no one place. that I can be anyone and anything I want to be.

and this feeling is consuming. this is worth while. to remember. to know. to hold on to. and is the mentality I hope to carry with me going into this next decade of my life. here’s to being aware of yourself, your newness, your feelings, your independence - to be anyone and anything you want to..even if that is, a homebody with no home

ps. maybe my true home is being content with being the homeless homebody that I feel like. maybe, for me, my home is feeling like I don't belong anywhere. that I can find different parts of myself in different places. different people. different ways.

or maybe, I'm just sad. lost and looking for a reason why I don't fit in anywhere perfectly like some people do. why I don't fit snug into one persons arms. one persons priority list. a lovers. a friends. why I bounce from one place to another. my dads apartments. my childhood home. my apartments that I struggle to pay for. my home that's not my home. my room in a house that's not my house.

or maybe, I feel the exact same way that every young and naive almost twenty year old girl that has ever experienced any kind of trauma, no matter how big or small, may feel.

I guess only time will tell..if it chooses to tell our head and our hearts its secrets