rough around the edges

the truth is, I have always been a hard person to love. for myself included. ever since I was young, I never truly felt like I could measure up to what others around me could. it somehow felt like I was always lacking..something..even when I couldn't put a face to what or why that was.

It's kind of astonishing that a personality can take over so early in someone's life because this type of mentality honestly makes complete sense to me at the point in my life that I'm current at, just from simply knowing who I am and the personality traits I possess personally. but what's so confusing to me is knowing that these traits became apparent when I was younger even when I had nothing but an adoring family. especially my parents - who loved me despite any and all flaw, especially my severe attitude problems and likelihood to be nothing but whiny when I didn't get what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted it. (hey no surprise there now huh folks!)

you see, after twenty years of all the facebook quizzes on top of the psychology and personality and (my most recent kick of) enneagram tests, there's been an ongoing trend that points me towards being a somewhat self seeking type of person. for the enneagram test my results ended with lucky number four, otherwise known as the "individualist." or someone who is described as one who "builds their identities around their perception of themselves as being somehow different or unique; they are thus self-consciously individualistic..tend to see their difference from others as being both a gift and a curse..alternates with deep feelings of shame, and fears of somehow being deeply flawed or defective..emotionally complex and highly sensitive..long to be understood and appreciated for their authentic selves, but easily feel misunderstood and unappreciated." and so on and so forth...painting a good enough picture? I would think so.

for those who know me, I'm sure you are thinking "nailed it. that sounds just like the Makayla I know." and as much as I often like to rave about how lucky of a person I am to have the people in my life that I do because of how well they love me - I also know that there is also always an underlying judgment towards me and the flaws that I can promise you, weigh me down far more than they do anyone else.

when I first admitted my enneagram test results out loud, I had a respectable coworker out right say "so the one who only thinks about themselves." which automatically took me back and made me evaluate how much I thought I liked, and disliked, myself. it also forced me to question if I liked them enough to let them paint me in such a bad lighting...you see, for me I have to admit that this personality type is very fitting. because it does ring true that I do wish to be thought of as special and unique at times, and am aware of myself in multiple and specific ways. yet, it's usually because I am so overly aware of everything I am doing and how I want people to perceive me. It's not only because I want to be confident in loving the things I love or the people I love but also worth having the same love reciprocated back to me, even when I don't necessarily feel as confident or worth it, like I want others to believe I do or am. and as bad as I can often be about coming off the right way, due to my own insecurities and my hesitant approach towards certain situations with others involved (whether it's strangers or the people I care about), I never would have once thought someone would see me as someone who is so "self-absorbed" or "doesn't think about others" - when in reality I am constantly thinking about others and what they do like and want and need, on top of what they don't like or want or need.

with that being said, I decided to take this comment with a grain of salt. although it hurt me, it made me want to reevaluate myself. and though I truly still believe that I do in fact consider many people around me - I realized I could be more vocal and active about openly showing so. which I have been slowly but surely been trying to do more of since.

even though I have had many ups and downs in multiples of my relationships with those close to me, including the voice inside my own head, I am coming to better terms with how I see myself + how others may or may not feel about me.

the truth is, we all have our own truths.

my truth is, I love becoming more myself every single day.

no matter what some may think is true - pro's or con's - my truth lies within myself.

I love that I am strong willed. I learn it from my momma.

I love that I am stubborn. I learned that from my entire family.

I love that I am compassionate. I learned that most from my baby cousin.

I love that I am emotional. It makes me come to term with all feelings - good and bad.

I love that I am resilient. It saved me more times than I can count in this painful merrygoround that we call life.

I love that I am sassy. It's just who I am.

I love that I always want to be better. do better. act better. talk better. love better.

I love that I am always changing. because others can say and think whatever they want about me, but I know my true self that stem from my true intentions.

for some, I might always be rough around the edges.

too hard for them to love.

too opinionated. too blunt. too unfiltered. too sensitive. too concerned. too sassy.

too much.

at times, I believe it to be true too, trust me I do.

but then I remember who I am.

how much I care, and think about, and talk about, and consider the people in (and even out) of my life and how I can and want to be better to, for, and because of.

so that's my truth.

a truth that might not be true enough for some.

but that's the beauty of having our own truths, because everyone has their own to believe with their own life to live. and not a single one of us has to live with anything we don't believe in.

I know I, type four personality and all, sure won't.