what makes me, me

one time, a sweet friend of mine asked me what "home" meant to me. through out our conversation, we ended up talking about how incredibly wild it was that we all end up "living versions of the same lives, but with different realities."

although this can be somewhat of a heavy thought, I can't think of anything more true. from the type of family we end up with, the people we do or don't meet, those baby steps we take towards choosing the person we eventually end up becoming, the monumental life moments we all tend to have brief encounters with, dealing with spectrums of emotions, facing the reality of death, and so on. all coming together as little fragments that eventually build us up into who we are specifically. different in numerous ways, for numerous different reasons. yet more alike than you could've ever imagined. but maybe, just maybe, that's the beauty of the human heart.

my name is makayla ann. makayla ann wilson. or mak, makwils, mak daddy 3000, makomelon, pumpkin head, or miss kay, if and only if, you're apart the Deering family, or even frani if your my sweet baby cousin alexis. from what you can see, I have a handful of names that serve as a display to show the countless number of people that care enough about me to spend their time investing thought into what they see is fit for me and the part I have in their lives. me, makayla ann.

I am who I am because of all the wonderful people in my life. people I have gotten to know through the past nineteen years, more or less. soon I'll be approaching on the second decade of my life. this realization has only encouraged me to grown more as a person and who I want to be. throughout all of my phases of life, and trust me there has been plenty, one thing that has never wavered is the sentimentalness (is that a word?) instilled in me. I'm not sure if it's the Cancer in me (if you didn't guess this from the very beginning don't pretend to be shocked because I am the poster child for the cancer zodiac sign let me tell you), the unconditional love from my mother, the constant ache from losing my father so young, or the constant strain of always wanting to be, give and have moremoremore in every and all aspects of my life.

which ever it may be, it makes me, me.

and although I'll probably miss a few, I want to tell you more about the things that make little old me, me.

I am a daughter. an undeserving, but grateful, one at that. the first daughter to both Robert and Roberta. my mom and my dad. my biggest fans, and greatest loves. these two taught me so much about love and life that the only way to truly thank them would to say thank you, for simply being themselves, and for teaching me that while just simply being me is in fact not simple at all, it is in fact enough. more than enough, actually. from a dad, who became my very best friend in just a short nine years. who only made me cry when he was making me laugh until I couldn't breath. a dad who shared my love of movies and books and love. who made me feel like the only girl in the world that was as special and deserving of everything good he, and life, had to offer. the one who took me on my first dates that undoubtedly consisted of the movie theatres, chinese dinners, and stops at book world. a dad, that I lost too early in life, but who's love I am able to remember with such unwavering intensity. with the help of a mom. my mom. one who taught me so much about myself, without me even knowing it. who taught me to be myself, and own it. to be accepting of others no matter the circumstances. to prioritize the things that I needed, and work for the things I want. a mom that taught me what true, unconditional love meant by always being there for me through all the good and the bad, no matter what. a mom, who became a dad for me and my siblings when we needed her the most. the two greatest loves of my life. thank you for being the perfect examples of what love is.

I am a sister. the oldest one at that. to not only traeton laurence, the first boy to make me a big sister, but to zoe victoria and grayson david (still think it should've been greyson davis but mom thought otherwise). my very own, built in best friends, if that's what you want to call them. many years were spent kicking and screaming and fighting, and even though I know the kicking and screaming and fighting will still continue, I am so happy that we have only grown closer throughout the years. I am beyond happy to be able to share parts of my life with you three that other people cannot understand. to trea, my baby brother, I know you may be rough around the edges at times but I know deep, deep down you have a softness that holds your fierce love and protection for your family. something that I will always admire. to zoe, my sweet little sister. I love you and the sassy attitude we share. along with your quiet, yet observant demeanor. you are good at heart, and I hope I can continue to be a good big sister to you, that you look up to. (even though you still try to act like my mother) and to sweet baby gray, although we have an age gap between us, my love for you is so strong. my little twin! I love watching you grow up, even if its from a far at times, just know I always look forward to squeezing your chubby, baby cheeks. something I think you'll never fully outgrown and keep forever, just like your big sister. I promise to always be one of your biggest fans and best sisters (right along with zoe and destiny). I love you all very, very much. heres to short visits back to the farm house and all accidentally falling asleep together in zoe's bed together, like we used to do when we were younger, and still do every Christmas Eve.

I am a cousin. and as much as I would love to tell you about all of my cousins, and the love I have for each and every one of them, there are just too many - and none that compare to my very best friend. my best friend, baby cousin, and shouldhavebeensister, alexis. someone I was lucky enough to only go through life without for six months, which is not something I like to talk about because there really is no me, without her. my cousin is my best friend, biggest role model, and whole heart all embodied in one person. she has encouraged me, supported me, taught me, and loved me in more ways than any other single person has or ever could at this point. from experiencing friend and family life side by side, to teaching me how to ride a bike, being completely different yet exactly like me all at the same time, coming to me the same night I lost my dad to sit with me and hug me even when we were both so scared and little, hugging me after every heartbreak, watching me dance at every dance recital, cheering at the end of every milestone no matter how big or small and just accepting all my perks and flaws - she has remained the most constant thing in my life. someone who teaches me to love others without the slightest hesitation of holding back.

I am a friend. one who tries to my hardest to be as best, appreciating, and deserving as the ones I have are. because the ones that I am lucky to know, have become the greatest source of happiness in my life. a childhood happiness I could not have regained without their love and support. from simple moments of shared clothes, butterfly texts, music recommendations, unexpected reminders and inside jokes they have built a secure foundation around my heart that reassures me of love, acceptance and appreciation of small, but mighty, qualities that connect them to me and me to them, every single day.

I am a girl. a girl who loves, love. who loves her family and friends and life. who loves cheese and grape juice and cottage cheese on pizza and music and to dance. who loves the idea of traveling to places she's never been before and revisiting the ones she's been to countless times. who loves the idea of spending her night in bed watching movies or reading books or journaling in her hundredth journal or going through her countless pictures for the twenty seventh time or going on a boat from sunrise to sun down or drinking one too many screwdrivers at her favorite college bar with her favorite college best friends or making an inappropriate joke at work to her coworkers that are now like family or attempting to catch fireflies or having an illegal lemonade stand or color coordinating her closet or having a campfire or going to a concert or writing a poorly written blog or laughing or crying or just, being. I am a girl that loves too much. but loves it all, as hard as she can. because each time it's different and each single time is the only chance you get to enjoy it as much as possibly within that given moment.

there is plenty that I missed, and without a doubt far more things that I love. but consider this to be a brief introduction into my over flowing heart and mind that you will be getting yourself into by continuing to read what I have to say. welcome to my version of Carrie Bradshaw x Makayla Ann and what makes me, me.